Intimacy

No, I’m not just talking about sex. Well, yes of course I’m talking a little bit about sex. I just hate how complicated intimacy has to be, especially now. All I do is strive for intimacy, like just being held or having a moment of complete understanding… At the same time, I’m terrified of it. Especially when it involves sex.

Most of the time I’m okay with having sex. I don’t constitute what happened to me as sex, so often times I can separate the two. I’ve somehow become less comfortable in my skin. I almost feel like an alien. I feel like I’m empty and will do anything to fill up again. So then I become overbearing. I beg for more. Even when I can’t handle it.

I do have a boyfriend. He is a wonderful man. He is kind, intelligent, funny, and understanding. He has helped me feel a bit more like myself and has just been there for me while I’m trying to pick up the pieces. He respects when I can handle sex and when I can’t (like when I’m on my period. I used to enjoy period sex, but being raped can ruin a lot of your favorite things). I’d do anything to keep him around and because of this, I worry that I smother him with my affection and desire for intimacy. I just need anything I can get. I need to be comfortable again.

-C

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