I just wanted to thank K for her post. It was everything I ever needed, although it’s not everything I wanted. You want to believe that things will get better and that you can fight this all on my own. This week I’ve realized that I need connection more than anything if I ever plan on being a fully functional and happy human being again.
It’s been an uphill battle since Monday and it all began when over the weekend I forgot to take my antidepressants. I’d never missed pills before so I had no clue that it would take such a toll on my physical and metal well-being. I know that spending time alone is dangerous for me because when I’m alone I’m left to my thoughts. But I also feel like I’m going to annoy people if I depend on them too much or refuse to be alone because when I’m in their company it’s not like I’m worth much anyways. I usually spend a lot of time staring of into the distance, but it’s nice to have people there… You know?
I haven’t gone to classes this week. I know that’s bad. I’ve spent every night at my boyfriend’s and I’m terrified that I’m becoming too much for him. He’s so sweet and so present and I really don’t want to do anything to fuck it up but I suppose he knew he was going to end up in a disastrous relationship when I warned him the first night that we were together that I had been raped.
I guess what I’m trying to say is that right now it’s really hard to connect with people and depend on them, no matter how desperately I need to.