I can’t help but feel like I deserved it. And maybe that’s what’s crushing me more than anything.
I also can’t even say that I didn’t see it coming. Because I did. I was just hoping I was being my insecure, pathetic self. But for once my anxiety was predicting something correctly.
I was hoping to celebrate Valentine’s Day. I bought a red corset to wear for him, but instead I waited for four hours for him to show up. When he did, he didn’t kiss me when he came in. He awkwardly pointed out my health insurance card sitting on my microwave, and the nail polish stain on my sheets. I asked him what was going on and for him to talk to me.
I know he needs to focus on school. He is a brilliant human being and deserves to do fantastic things. I just wish I could be a part of his life when he did them. It pains me that he clearly didn’t even want to break up but it was something he had to do because if he didn’t he’d regret not being so focused. I’m a distraction.
I keep thinking about our last kiss. It was last Thursday morning right before we headed out of his dorm for class. He’d just brushed his teeth and he pulled me in and kissed me three times- each kiss longer than the next. He held my face and told me he loved me. Now I can’t help but think I’ll never be kissed by someone as fantastic as him ever again. I don’t get to wake up to him every morning. I don’t get to marvel at the way his body moves in his sleep or trace my lips all over him and be fascinated by the three moles on the right side of his back that form a perfectly straight line.
I didn’t expect to fall in love with him like I did. Especially since we haven’t even been dating for an incredibly long time. But he broke down all the barriers I’ve ever had and I know I broke down his. I know I keep making jokes about how I’ll go back to having casual sex to drown my pain, but I know it’s different this time. Having sex with anyone else would ruin the perfectness of the sex I had with him. This isn’t the same heartbreak as the first time around, but it hurts a hell of a lot more.