I’ve been in Day Treatment (you know, intensive therapy. Like 9 hours a week sort of intensive therapy) for about a month now. I’m learning more than I ever thought I would. I rely on cognitive distortions, and I am not as connected to my emotions as many others are. I’ve discovered that all of these behaviors root in my feelings of guilt.
Guilt is a functional emotion (just like any other) when it is deserved or healthy. If you’re hurting someone or something, then yes. That sort of guilt is common and can be healthy to seek a resolution. But then there are people like me. I feel guilty about everything. I feel guilty that I’m not in school. I feel guilty that I was raped. I feel guilty that I don’t check up on K very often. But where is this guilt getting me? Absolutely nowhere since I can’t always control everything and some things just suck. Life happens.
I tend to magnify the importance of school, but the reality is that I can’t handle it right now and I need to take care of me. I minimize being raped because it’s easier to deal with the guilt of feeling that I could’ve prevented it, but in all honesty my assailant was going to do what he did no matter what. I was keeping myself safe.
This process is going to be a long one, but it’s exactly that- a process. It’s just nice to feel like I’m making some progress.